I Cheated and Now Im Tempted Again

How do I cease being so angry afterward my married man had an affair? Nosotros are trying to piece of work it out, but I can't let become of the anger and it seems to be pushing him away. I desire to hurt him like he hurt me, but I don't want to lose him. What to do? —Steamed
Dear Steamed,

Feeling angry is an incredibly natural response to the feelings of betrayal that come from infidelity. Your husband bankrupt your trust. Your relationship has been damaged. All of this is very existent and comes with legitimate emotional reactions.

Anger is a powerful emotion, and it tin can mask other feelings. I'g guessing you are also tremendously hurt. Anger may feel like a safer way to manage your hurting, simply it volition slow your healing. Admitting and against the pain behind the anger is essential, and information technology requires vulnerability—which is hard when you lot are dealing with this kind of breach of trust.

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Fourth dimension, of course, helps in the healing process. I wonder, though, what information technology is you might need from your husband to help y'all with that healing. I'm guessing that right at present apologetic words and acts of contrition are non helping yous permit go and motion on. Often, when we accept been hurt, nosotros need to feel that the other person truly understands the pain we are experiencing and gets how serious the emotional pain and betrayal really are. Your husband may think he has accepted responsibility and gets how injure you are, merely it tin take time for the empathy y'all need to feel from him to really be heard and felt in a meaningful way. Until that happens, the remainder of the healing—grieving, letting go, reconnecting—can't really motility forward.

In that location are many means people choose to apologize, and some really are improve than others. "I'm sorry" alone rarely makes us feel better. "I'1000 sorry for everything" tin also feel general and unsatisfying. If, withal, we hear, "I'thou sorry for doing [specific action] and making you feel [accurate reflection of feeling]," we can experience understood and see that person showing empathy and taking responsibility, which helps us motion forward.

While yous are waiting to feel that empathy, however, there are steps y'all can take to reduce your distress. Although your hubby's deportment created this situation, his actions alone won't necessarily alter it. Ultimately, that is because other people cannot make u.s.a. feel a certain way—we have a function in choosing our own reactions. What nosotros feel often comes from the meaning we brand of an event. What does this affair mean to you? What are you telling yourself near it?

For instance, are yous telling yourself that his affair ways he doesn't love you or doesn't love y'all enough? Are you dealing with fright that it will happen again? Are you lot stuck on the bulletin, "I didn't deserve this. How could he exercise this to me? This isn't right"? By uncovering those messages, y'all can wait at the ones that are keeping you stuck in a place of acrimony and work to let those go. This will have fourth dimension and work. You tin't just flip the aroused/not angry switch. Having an open conversation with your husband almost the time you need to piece of work through your thoughts and feelings tin can be helpful. Letting him know what you demand from him during that time can help engage him in the healing process and also start the 2 of you working toward condign partners once again.

One common message that betrayed spouses struggle with is, "It's not fair. He/She had an affair and 'gets away' with it because I want to stay married." That is a fallacy that keeps you stuck in an aroused, resentful identify. In truth, nobody is getting away with annihilation. Both of you lot have lost the relationship you had. You are suffering, and he is likely aware that his deportment are at the root of that suffering. If he cares about you, that awareness is a source of pain for him. Also, you "get" to exist the forgiving spouse, and he is stuck beingness the ane who "did y'all wrong." That's not a fun role to play no affair how deserved it might be. I don't say this to minimize your hurting. You are entitled to feel angry and hurt. If, however, you are able to recognize that he may be in hurting as well, you may take an opportunity to connect with each other.

The by cannot be undone. So, you are faced with a choice. If yous truly want to stay with him and rebuild a relationship together, you are going to need to choose to let it go. Y'all are going to have to focus on the good that is betwixt y'all, to let the balance of a life together outweigh the hurting of infidelity. You are going to have to connect with each other on a deeper level and recognize that you are both suffering without focusing on laying blame for that suffering at his feet.

The impulse to lash out and hurt when we've been hurt is very man only ultimately not helpful if you want to reconnect. Y'all say you don't want to lose him, simply something has been lost. The relationship you had prior to the thing is lost. It is OK to need some time to grieve that loss. It is likewise OK (and I strongly recommend) that you get some help with all of this. I urge y'all and your husband to observe a couples counselor who can piece of work with you on how to reconnect afterwards an affair. You tin can build something together, and it can be something beautiful, just it will exist something new. Y'all cannot go back to the place you were before, and wishing for that is going to keep you stuck in this place of pain and, yep, acrimony.

Best of luck,
Erika

Erika Myers

Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC is a licensed psychotherapist and old educator specializing in working with families in transition (often due to separation or divorce) every bit well every bit individuals seeking support with relationship issues, parenting, depression, anxiety, grief/loss/bereavement, and managing major life changes. Although her theoretical orientation is eclectic, she most frequently uses a person-centered, strengths-based approach and cognitive behavioral therapy in her do.

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Source: https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/dear-gt/how-do-i-shake-the-anger-i-feel-after-my-husbands-affair

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